999
Communications operator: “Police Can I help you?”
Caller: “Yeah this is… I’ve been tired, stopped policeman, rung you up… I beat-up one of your coppers last year and I can’t get health insurance because of it. Now I know it’s over a year and I’ve been very polite and I’ve tried to ring the court …I’ve… waved down a policeman today…”
Communications operator: “Right, Madam is this an emergency 999 call?”
Caller: “Yes! I would like to talk to the sergeant at Bath Prison – Nick”
Communications operator: “Yes, Madam this is not an emergency call”
Caller: “Yes it is!”
Communications operator: “Well I’m afraid you’ll have to ring on the normal number which is…”
Caller: “What 999? I’ve just done that…”
Communications operator: “That is the emergency number for life and death and emergencies…”
Caller: “How do you know I… !!!!! they been !!!!! all day”
Communications operator: “Right, let me just warn you now that if you swear at me again…”
Caller: “You’ll put the phone down on me and I can die…”
Communications operator: “What is the problem right now?”
Caller: “I’m in agony and I’ve took all the painkillers I can… and nobody cares…”
Communications operator: “Well, have you rang your doctor?”
Caller: “(Sigh!) You ring your doctor they put you through to the NHS and then you get…”
Communications operator: “Right, so tell me something if you’ve got a medical problem why are you calling the police?”
Caller: “Because I would like to go to sleep and I don’t want to take Zopiclone because they give you a bloody hangover…”
Communications operator: “Yeah, but…”
Caller: “I don’t want to drink. I’ve been dry over a year. I’m celebrating but I actually ripped my back yesterday and I might have ME…”
Communications operator: “Right, Madam it’s five minutes to four in the morning…”
Caller: “I know what time it is…”
Communications operator: “Right, so why?…”
Caller: “I’m just trying to get some help!”
Communications operator: “Alright, I’m sorry…”
Caller: “My doctor’s told me I’m anaemic I’ve got to take more valium…”
Communications operator: “Alright, I’m cutting you off.”
